ParentingHub

One of the topics I talk about fairly frequently at schools and in workshops is sexuality and the small child. Sexuality is an emotionally charged topic, one that brings many of our own issues to the fore. Ultimately, though, my guess would be that you want your children to take a healthy approach to their sexuality throughout their lives. And the road to this healthy sexuality starts with how we approach this topic when our children are very small and the messages we send them.

What is sexuality? It is about being male or female, about the beauty of being human, about love and relationships. Being sexual beings is the very reason we exist in the first place. It is the very reason our children exist. It is, first and foremost, an incredible, beautiful, awesome thing.

Often what happens though is that the first message children get about sexuality is negative and bad, it is often about abuse and how people can harm you and how you can harm yourself. Before we embrace the beauty and wonder of being human, we focus on the negative aspects. I am not saying we shouldn’t be realistic about the state of the world, but we should start with the wonder and then state the cautions, rather than the other way around. We also need to ask, if those people in the world who we see as abusers and the people before them were given a healthy view of sexuality when they were little, would the world be a different place?

So some things for you to consider when dealing with your own children around this issue:

Information about sexuality is not one conversation about the birds and the bees that happens when you’re comfortable having it and the child already knows everything you say anyway……it is a continuous conversation that one has throughout a child’s life from the time they are 3 or 4, the same as any other conversation you might have….you give enough information to satisfy the question being asked at that age and you give more and more information as they child is ready for it.

Some of you will be lucky to have children who bluntly ask questions…….and for you remember honesty is the best policy always. The minute you lie or tell a child they are not old enough to know the answer, you are messing with the bonds of trust between you and your child. And this is one area where you want trust to reign supreme, so you can help guide your child through what can be difficult territory for them later on.

Some of you will have children who never ask questions…..and for you, no running away and pretending it doesn’t matter to cover the issues…these are children who may have questions in their heads that do not come out of their mouths. Here you need to look for teachable moments…….see a pregnant woman, ask the child about that, when you’re in the bath use the opportunity to talk about body parts, when watching television, discuss a kiss……

Remember knowledge is power. If you have information about anything you are far more likely to make a considered decision than if you lack information. Give your children knowledge that they can use when they need to.

When children are engaging with you, remember they do not have your experience of life…….be careful not to put your spin on it….their questions come from curiosity, not perversity.

Young children will inevitably be found playing “doctor-doctor” with a friend or masturbating themselves, perfectly normal, age-appropriate activities for children between 4 and 6ish. The most important thing in either case, regardless of your feelings and issues that may come to the fore, is to ensure they do not feel guilty or shamed, in the knowledge that they are exploring and understanding themselves and one another. Here you can gently redirect them, answer questions, discuss one’s own genital stimulation as a private activity.

It is the responsibility of both parents to educate both genders about sexuality in a natural way, as questions and teachable moments arise.

Preferably use the correct names for body parts……yes, it may be easier to use the many names we have come up with for penis and vulva…..just check the connotation you are conveying…are you minimising, avoiding, sending a negative perception in the words you use….and do your children at least know the proper terms.

In summary, treat sexuality as you would any other ordinary conversation you would have with a child…….give your children the chance to develop healthy views about their bodies and the nature of being human.

The best books I’ve seen so far on sexuality are Robert H. Harris’s books for different age groups, which you may find useful:
It’s so Amazing
It’s Not the Stork
It’s Perfectly Normal