ParentingHub

Toddlers are often very tired by bed-time. They exert tremendous effort in fighting sleep in order to stay up. This is the toddler version of, "So much to do, so little time." Everyone else is at home and wide awake, so why shouldn't they be? It's simply a matter of them wanting to be part of the action.

Toddlers are learning that they are separate from you and so they feel the need to be their own person. Refusing to go to bed at night is one way for them to assert control.

Emergency intervention

Teach your child to fall asleep alone. If your child will to go to bed only if you're around, he's forming bad habits that will be hard to break later. The best lesson you can teach him is how to soothe himself to sleep. Follow a nightly bedtime ritual (bath, books, and bed, for example) so he knows what's expected of him and what to expect at night. You can tell him that if he stays in bed you'll come back in five minutes to check on him. Let him know that he's safe and that you'll be nearby. Don't let him dawdle. Toddlers are great negotiators, and they're no different when it comes to bedtime. And because they so enjoy the time they spend with you, they'll do what they can to prolong the time they have with you. Your child may take his time doing his usual nightly routine, ask repeatedly for a glass of water, or keep requesting that you come to his room because he needs something. If you suspect he's stalling, don't let him. Tell him it's time for bed and that he can finish working on his art project the next day or find the stuffed bunny the following morning.

You may want to anticipate all of your child's usual (and reasonable) requests and make them part of the bedtime routine. Fill up a glass of water before bed and have him put it on his night table, remind him to use the potty one more time, and give him lots of extra hugs to last him the whole night. Then allow your child one extra request — but make it clear that one is the limit. He'll feel like he's getting his way, but you'll know you're really getting yours.

Offer him acceptable choices at bedtime. These days your toddler is beginning to test the limits of his newfound independence. To help him feel empowered, let your child make choices whenever possible at bedtime, from which story he wants to hear to what pyjamas he'd like to wear. The trick is to offer only two or three alternatives and to make sure you're happy with every choice. For example, don't ask, "Do you want to go to bed now?" He could very well say no, which isn't acceptable. Instead, try, "Do you want to go to bed now or in five minutes?" He still gets to make the choice, but you win no matter which option he picks.

Be calm but firm. Stand your ground even if your child cries or pleads for an exception to the going-to-bed rule. If you're frustrated, try not to engage in a power struggle. Speak calmly and quietly but insist that when time's up, time's up. If you give into his request for "five minutes more, please" once, you'll hear it again and again. If he throws a fit, ignore it as you do other tantrums. By paying attention to him — even if you're displeased with him — you've reinforced his behaviour.

Moving him to a big-kid bed. Between the ages of 2-and-a-half and 4, your child has probably outgrown his crib and is ready to give it up. Moving from his crib to a bed signals to him that he's becoming a "big kid". You can tell him that part of getting older is learning how to go to bed when he needs to rest and doing so on his own. Once he's using his new bed, be sure to praise your child when he stays in it at bedtime and overnight. After the confinement of his crib, your child may get out of his big-kid bed over and over just because he can. If your toddler gets up, temper your reaction. Simply take him back to bed, firmly tell him that it's time to go to sleep, and leave.

Could there be a problem?

While toddlers can be difficult when it comes to bedtime it is important to be on the look-out for signs that they might actually be unwell. A child who is previously sleeping through the night and then suddenly develops difficulty sleeping is more likely to have something going on.

They may be suffering from loneliness, emotional stress or physical diseases like a middle ear infection or adenoids (enlarged lymphatic tissue behind the nose which can make breathing difficult). If you are in doubt always have your child checked by your doctor to make sure something is not causing them distress.

Winning the war

Dealing with a troublesome toddler can be an exhausting and time consuming process. It may give you some hope to realise that all children eventually do sleep! You need to hang in there. Talk to other parents who have suffered through "toddlerhood" and you will realise you are not alone.