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High self-esteem is an indicator of happiness...

Everyone seems to have an opinion on the importance of self-esteem. And yet, the general understanding of the meaning of self-esteem in the public arena is slippery at best. The National Association of Self Esteem, (Yes! There is such an organization!), defines it as “The experience of being capable of meeting life’s challenges and being worthy of happiness.” If you are a person with a healthy level of self-esteem, you will deal with the problems you encounter in a productive fashion, believing that you are a good and decent person who is entitled to good things.

People often confuse egocentricity with self-esteem and assume the terms are one and the same. A person who is self-centered and “all about themselves” is really lacking in self-esteem. They are not comfortable in their own skin and they use superficial means to make themselves happy. For example, a woman with low self-esteem, but who is egocentric, may talk frequently and at length about her accomplishments, often elevating them to a higher degree of importance than do her peers. She is trying to impress her listener because she does not feel worthy within herself. If, on the other hand, she has genuine self-esteem, she will not feel the need to talk about her accomplishments. They are hers to cherish and her sense of accomplishment is complete in itself. She does not need the approval of others, she has her own. She believes in herself and feels entitled to happiness.

Self-Esteem and Fulfillment

Self-esteem as defined by the NASE is essential to a happy, fulfilled life. Fundamental to this concept is the connection between competence and self-worth. Each time we go out into the world, take on a challenge and meet it, we add to our sense of worth or self-esteem. We gain confidence and are more ready to take on the next challenge. Over time this adds up to a stronger self-image. We begin to believe we are worthy of happiness. That’s a very good place to be.

When we have low self-esteem, we do not have confidence in our ability to meet the challenges we face or the desire to undertake something that might appear difficult. Instead, we are fearful and unwilling to take the risks and steps necessary, even if we very much want to. For example, we may dream of owning our own business and even have a good idea for one, but when we lack self-esteem our uncertainties turn into worries and doubts. We may then come to the conclusion that the risk is too big to take. We’ll tell ourselves things like “the bank will never give me funding”, “I’d have to work too many hours and not have time for my family”, “I probably wouldn’t be any good at it anyway” and our dream begins to fizzle. When we walk away from our dreams because we lack self-esteem, we will find ourselves stuck and feeling unfulfilled.

When we allow ourselves to be gripped by low self-esteem, we are actually making matters worse. If instead, we use positive affirmations such as “I can do this”, and despite our fears, take small steps toward our dreams, we will build our self-esteem and move our lives toward a place of happiness and fulfillment.

Building Self-Esteem in Children

Child psychologists tell us that excessive praise is not the best way to develop self-esteem in children. They do need to feel a sense of accomplishment and competence in the world. What is more helpful in raising self-esteem is to acknowledge and celebrate the things your child is proud of accomplishing. This reinforces their belief in themselves. Just as too much praise is not helpful, we must also resist the false belief that celebrating a child’s success will make them arrogant. A sense of accomplishment and awareness of the accomplishment builds self-esteem and confidence.

Children cannot be fooled. They know whether or not they are worthy of a compliment bestowed on them. If we tell them they are great spellers when they are not, we’re wasting our breath. It is more helpful to honestly acknowledge their struggles and look for the places they are succeeding. Perhaps they work really hard at trying to learn to spell. If so, as parents we can help them see that this is a very worthwhile trait. Hard work and determination can make up for lack of ability throughout life. If we can help them see this, they will have something to add to their self-esteem reservoir. In addition, parents can help their children build confidence by also giving them a task at which they can excel for each difficult task they take. Each accomplishment, large or small, will build confidence and help them be more resilient when facing a new challenge.

Children and adults should be encouraged and encourage themselves to take on challenges that will build self-esteem. It is helpful to begin with a small challenge, one you feel certain you can conquer and do well. Then take on something a bit larger. Each challenge met provides confidence in our abilities and we will feel better about ourselves. Whether it be learning to crochet or learning to speak a foreign language, learning a new computer program or learning to assemble a computer, we are not only building confidence in our abilities, we are adding depth and dimension to our lives. This adds up to self-esteem.

Self-Esteem Tip #1
Make a list of ten things you’ve always wanted to do or learn, making sure that they are things that are doable. Number them in order of difficulty. Start with the easiest item first and challenge yourself to complete the list over time.

Self-Esteem Tip #2
Take up a new hobby. Building self-esteem can be fun. Learn to dance or take singing lessons, learn to do needlepoint or build model airplanes – the choices are endless.

Self-Esteem Tip #3
Learn a new skill. Learn a new computer skill, read up on how to paint or wallpaper a room in your house, take a cooking lesson, learn html. Again, the choices are endless and only limited to your imagination and your interest.