ParentingHub

Kids bring home all sorts of emotional dramas that will break your heart. So how do parents toughen up, shelve their own insecurities and provide genuine leadership? Fiona Baker reports.

My son has no friends,” Maree sobbed in the chair next to me at the hairdresser. “Every day this week Josh [aged nine] has come home from school crying and told me his friends won’t play with him. And every day I need to provide the right, reassuring response because I’m his mum – and I don’t know what that response is anymore!”

Maree’s anguish is not uncommon – in fact, it’s as much a part of parental life as head lice and can be just as hard to deal with. It seems that the moment we give birth some special parent gene is meant to fire up and suddenly we’re instantly wise, rational and reasonable with an appropriate, measured response for our progeny always at the ready. It’s called being resilient, and for many of us it can be a skill we need to develop or work on.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from life’s inevitable stresses, difficulties and disappointments. It helps us handle pressure, overcome disadvantage, recover from trauma and engage with people and activities that help us to grow and learn. But here’s the scary thing: according to a body of research, it’s one of the most important qualities parents can teach their kids. And how do they learn it? By watching us. Studies have shown that children as young as two copy the thinking and coping styles of the adults around them.

Reinforcing its importance, researchers Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatté, authors of The Resilience Factor (Broadway Books, 2002), have this to say: “Thirty years of research tells us that resilient people are happier, live longer and are more successful in school and jobs, are happier in relationships and are less likely to suffer depression.” Andrew Fuller, clinical psychologist and a director of the youth organisation Stride Foundation, says that resilient parents raise resilient kids. “When your child needs you, that is not the time to confront your own inner demons. It’s a handy skill for parents to learn to hold their own anxieties in check.”

How to build resilience

Larne Wellington is a Brisbane psychologist who runs the Positive Families clinic. She has every confidence that even the most emotionally vulnerable parent can learn to be more resilient. “Adults can learn to change their thinking and manage their behaviour and emotions. Parents who display resilient behaviour are more likely to create a family environment that fosters resilience in their children.” Here are her steps to building resilience:

1. Getting perspective
Life can be unfair and hard. Setbacks and disappointments are a part of everyday life. But it’s important to consider the bigger picture. Don’t blow the event out of proportion. Difficulties are opportunities for growth and learning.

2. Like yourself
Write a list of five things you like about yourself and use this list to overcome negative thoughts. Identify your strengths and use them to help you cope with challenges in life. Recognise your own unique qualities, trust your inner wisdom and have faith in yourself.

3. Be forgiving
Accept imperfections in yourself and others, and be slow to criticise. Forgiveness allows you to let go of anger, resentment or revenge. The key to forgiveness is compassion, which allows us to see that we all face challenges.

4. Be grateful
Fostering an attitude of gratitude even in the face of adversity will help you focus on the good things that happen every day. There is a clear relationship between gratitude and resilience. If you can find a way to be thankful for your troubles, they can become your blessings.

5. Increase your personal awareness
Explore your values and beliefs around your role as parent. Are you trying to make up for past hurts in your life? Do your child’s issues trigger childhood memories in you? Self-awareness increases resilience, so challenge your assumptions.

6. Nurture relationships
Developing and maintaining meaningful relationships with others is important in being able to overcome difficulties. Support from others strengthens resilience. Make time for togetherness with your family, friends and the wider community.

7. Develop an optimistic outlook
Be hopeful: there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Foster positive emotions such as love, happiness and gratitude to help you become more optimistic and more aware of the good that is in your life. Positive emotions are key in resilience, helping us to bounce back from hardship.

8. Don’t forget you
Be aware of your own needs and feelings and learn to be assertive – this will make you more resilient in times of stress. Make time for activities you enjoy, meditate, go for a walk or take up a new hobby. Exercise regularly. Remember to laugh.

9. Focus on solutions
Have confidence in your ability to solve problems. Identify the cause of a problem and then work as a family and come up with a solution together.