ParentingHub

You are the first government to which your child needs to learn to submit. Once he has learnt to submit to you, he has to submit to his teachers, then his employer. If he has never learnt to respect and submit to you and then these authority figures, how will he be able to submit willingly to laws laid down by the government? I am sure you do not want the government to teach your child to submit! Where better than a loving home to teach your child these valuable lessons? When a teenager is sent off to rehab, there are many tears cried by the parents. But the parent knows it is in the child’s best interest that he goes through this pain. It is temporary pain with long-lasting results.

When a man changes into his policeman’s uniform, he has designated authority. Your authority lies in your position as a parent. You have the right to be in charge (especially while you have the weight advantage!). Make sure your child understands and can distinguish between an instruction (which is non-negotiable) like “Go and play outside”, and a choice (which is negotiable) like “Would you like to play outside or in your room?”

Using manipulative comments are ineffectual in the long term. Do some of these comments sound familiar?
• “See this shoe? You’d better listen or else!”
• “Wait till your father gets home..!”
• When a child won’t climb in the car, after the fifth warning, you use manipulating comments like, “OK, I’m leaving now, bye!” and start walking off, while the child screams hysterically. Then you wonder why the child screams when the babysitter comes and mom says “OK, bye, I’m leaving”.
• “You better watch it or the wooden spoon is going to be talking to your rear end!”
• “If you don’t come now, we will never come here again!”
• “Please come now, I promise I will buy you an ice cream.”
• “That lady over there is getting very angry with you right now!”
• “Look, everybody is watching you!”

Remember, your yes should be yes and your no should be no – always. You don’t need to have permission to be a parent, you are one. You may behave like one. Make sure your body language and tone of voice is confident when you give your non-negotiable instruction.

When you think back on your school days, you will remember how you respected some teachers, yet others you just blew off. From the first day that teacher walked into the class, you knew whether she demanded respect or not! What was the difference? Her attitude. If she walked in with a pathetic smile on her face, shoulders drooping and a timid voice, the whole class ignored her. However, for the teacher who came in and firmly announced what, where and when things would happen, everyone knew to sit up and take note!

The same applies to parenting. Your child can read you like a book – if you are scared of him, he will know it. If you are determined to not take any nonsense, he will realise that very quickly too!

For at least the first six years, you have to make your mark as the authority figure; the one they can look up to and respect. You can’t discipline your friend and a child definitely can’t respect someone who is double-minded. Face parenting confidently. Your child needs a parent at this stage, not a friend. Friendship comes much later.

What does loving authority look like?
1. Paradigm shift – the parent needs to get an ‘ah-ha’ (realisation) that things need to change.
2. Define boundaries – make sure your child understands the boundaries. They should be clear, predictable, age appropriate and have natural consequences or appropriate punishments.
3. Avoid impossible demands – make sure they are age appropriate.
4. Eye contact and a firm tone of voice.
5. Body language – be confident and decisive so that they can read your body language.
6. Distinguish between wilful defiance and childish irresponsibility – you cannot discipline when accidents happen.
7. Take action – don’t repeat yourself over and over. If the first warning didn’t work, get up and take action.
8. Clarify and teach after confrontation.
9. Reassure, hug and cuddle. This builds love, fidelity and unity.
10. Remember to empathise, “You must be so disappointed/sad”, “I know you really wanted to go....”, “This must be so hard for you” etc.
11. Unconditional love. Portray and/discuss that you will always love him, but that you don’t approve of what he has done.
12. Be consistent – with repetition comes revelation. This will make him feel safe and secure and create an internalised value.

Example: Every morning five year old Jimmy is late for school. Mom is tired of fighting and nagging Jimmy every morning to get out of bed after she has woken him up. She ends up feeding him in front of the TV. She explains to him that the new rule is that she will wake him up only once and remind him five minutes later. If he is completely ready for school, which includes having had breakfast, and there is time left before they need to leave, he will be allowed to watch his favourite cartoon.

The next morning Jimmy decides to stay in bed as he has always done. Mom sticks to the new rule. When it is time to leave, not only did Jimmy not watch TV he also did not have time to have any breakfast. Jimmy was furious and made sure everybody knew it. Mom stuck to the rule and calmly but firmly said “Jimmy you must be so disappointed to have to go to school without any breakfast. I am sure tomorrow you will remember to jump out of bed quickly so that you will have enough time for breakfast and possibly even time for some cartoons afterwards. Now climb in the car it is time to leave.”

By the third morning, Jimmy was watching 10 minutes of his favourite cartoon, dressed and ready for school.

This teaches Jimmy:
• that he is responsible to make choices that affect his own life
• that mom can stay calm and enforce a rule consistently
• that mom still loves him
• that mom is not accepting any of his negative behaviour
• that he can survive disappointment
• that if he chooses to be diligent and use self control he will benefit in the end